


come as you are

by johnkun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Famous, M/M, Recovery, References to Depression
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-17
Updated: 2020-05-17
Packaged: 2021-03-02 22:15:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,102
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24234181
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/johnkun/pseuds/johnkun
Summary: Johnny would still laugh at him and kiss him senseless, even when his brain to mouth filter doesn’t work at all during those times he’s drunk out of his mind.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny
Kudos: 40





	come as you are

**Author's Note:**

> i daydream too much about being in love, summer nights when i'm drunk n listening to nirvana and also not being depressed anymore so i wrote this?? also because i want what johndo have
> 
> did i proof-read? hell no. i just quickly wrote this in thirty minutes n now i feel like my brain doesn't work anymore but i hope u enjoy hehe

There is always something magical in summer nights when you are a bit tipsy, holding a cigarette in your hand as you gulp the lukewarm beer down your throat. The sun is setting, the speaker plays Nirvana and the one you’re with is humming along to the tune. Sometimes you do it when you feel like rebelling against the world, sometimes when you need an escape from reality, sometimes because you’re in love with the world and you want to embrace it. Sometimes it’s also because you hate the world and want to forget everything by getting drunk on any cheap alcohol you could find, or you hate the world but want to try something beautiful in it and you know that sunsets are always beautiful.

Sunsets don’t last long but after it has set there is always the unsaid promise between you and the sun that the both of you are going to get up in the morning and continue living your life, no matter what happens. Maybe it’s comforting, maybe it’s frightening. Comforting because even if you are ever alone, the sun is always there with you, telling you that better days will come. Frightening because you know how easy it would to break your promise with the sun - there are a million ways in your head on how to end it all.

His brain is fuzzy and he can feel as his body shifts from being tipsy to drunk. Lithium by Nirvana is playing in the background, and if he closes his eyes and focuses just on the music and the hand softly petting his head it feels like he can just throw himself into an another dimension where it is just those two things and him. Just him, Johnny and music, nobody else. Maybe Johnny would want there to be his shitty menthol cigarettes, and Doyoung must admit that the another dimension would be a better place with the cheap beer he always buys. But in the end, it would be enough if it was just him, Johnny and music. It would be enough just with only Johnny. If Johnny was there it would always be enough for him.

The empty glass bottle of wine lays beside Doyoung, and maybe if he had gotten drunk on vodka he would be talking shit about how the bottle is just such a mood, laying there doing nothing. Johnny would still laugh at him and kiss him senseless, even when his brain to mouth filter doesn’t work at all during those times he’s drunk out of his mind. In a lot of ways it feels like a weight has been lifted off his shoulders - Johnny loves him even when Doyoung’s mouth spills incoherent things, and Doyoung loves Johnny too. Doyoung will always love Johnny. Loving Johnny is easy, a natural thing. Doyoung can’t imagine himself being in love with anyone else other than Johnny.

As the song changes to Territorial Pissings he realizes that Johnny is just playing the Nevermind album. It reminds him of his own tattoo on his shoulder blade and Johnny’s tattoo on his hip. It had been somehow an impulsive decision, to get the words  _ Nevermind  _ tattooed. He remembers telling Johnny off for having such a dumb idea, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew that the album meant a lot for the both of them. Just the words had a certain meaning for Doyoung himself because it had been Johnny who had years ago introduced Doyoung to his favourite album of all time. They never get tired of it, it plays through their roadtrips, cleaning days, mostly during the peaceful warm nights when they lay there, on the beach, watching as the sun sets and after it turns dark they stay for stargazing. Mostly those nights involve alcohol. 

The album has become a certain kind of comfort for Doyoung. When he is alone, he can listen to it and imagine Johnny being there with him. It’s easy to distract yourself by closing your eyes and drowning in the music - Doyoung has more than enough experience.

During these nights, they are quiet a lot, just enjoying what is around them. They do speak with their actions though, Doyoung stealing kisses, Johnny smiling softly at him and petting his head, Doyoung laying his head on Johnny’s lap, Johnny always offering Doyoung cigarettes too.  _ They are shitty cigarettes but I’ll take what I can get, I only smoke when I am drunk so it is whatever.  _ Doyoung will always remember to buy Johnny a bottle of wine for these nights because he knows that Johnny will always prefer wine over anything else. When it’s beer for Doyoung, it’s wine for Johnny.

The sun had been Doyoung’s only one for a long time. It had been his comfort in his worst times, just thinking that he should keep himself alive just like the sun did, always bringing light somewhere. During his sleepless nights it was the moon who brought him comfort, but Doyoung had always preferred the daytime, especially when he had been alone - the darkness had always made him feel more than he should, making him feel like the walls wouldn’t hold anymore and he would lose the final part of sanity he had. Then came Johnny, as bright as the sun. Doyoung didn’t let him in at first, didn’t want to burden Johnny with his own mind.  _ Recovering will never be easy, it will take time but you can do it. _

Somewhere, in the darkest parts of his mind there is still a demon living, whispering horrible sweet nothings into his thoughts. But at some point it had lived in every part of him, there had been no day that he was free from it. Johnny had always told him that he should recover for himself, not for others. Daydreaming about a different life had at some point become reality.

Doyoung learned to love the night and the beautiful things it holds. Maybe a part of it was because Johnny was always so fascinated by the stars, and the more Doyoung looked the more he fell in love. Sometimes it felt like he was falling in love with the world and the things in it again. It felt good, to feel happiness.

He’s happy that he is able to experience the peacefulness. He’s happy that he found someone, the right one for him. He’s happy he’s in love. He’s happy that he isn’t like he used to be, even if it will always in a way be a part of him.

_ He’s happy he’s alive. _


End file.
